I guess this is goodbye ..

You left us without a word, I guess you felt

Like there was nothing left to say. But I just can’t forget that day. I do have many things I wanted to say, I just can’t find the right words , but everyone can see it from my emotional display.

You never let us say goodbye or tell you that we care.. I totally understand you must have felt alone, hurt and scared. I wish I dried the tears that fell like rain, I wish I could go back and ease your pain.

I cry myself to sleep at night, I was so hurt that in your dark place you couldn’t see the light. My tears are for you dear friend and I pray your legacy will never end. Your face is embedded in my heart, I promise I’ll never forget.

Identify me

It seems like a cry for help.. but really it’s just my thoughts. They’ve finally escaped the mental prison. Its hard when you’ve got to keep lying .. got to keep smiling and hiding how you really feel. At times you even try to deny that what you’re feeling is real.

I wished I could explain the thoughts that run around my mind. Day in and day out, it’s like I’m actually LOOSING my mind. I mean I do try to attempt feeling happy, but I’m constantly plagued with daunting feeling of anxiety.

I place myself in this fantasy, just to escape my reality. This intense disguise of misery, it almost seems like a mystery. They praise me for my confidence, but I’m as empty as an unserious candidates promise.

We all hurt I guess.. so I guess I don’t need to tell anyone? No one actually needs to know, it’s okay to always put a smile on show.

I want help.. I just don’t know how to ask for it. I don’t need saving, I just want to be found.

World Mental Health Day 🌍

This years theme is Suicide Prevention. We can all individually assist with prevention. Even an interactive conversation with another individual can even be enough to differentiate between life and death for them.

In light of world mental health day, I wrote up 2 pieces from 2 different perspectives. The first piece comes from an individual that is struggling mentally, but does not want to speak up or do anything about it. They suffer in silence.. which eventually drains them to the extent of suicide. No one ever sees the suffering that goes on in the inside, so this post was written as a universal cry for help.

If you ever feel like a friend or family member is down, reach out to them. Don’t let them feel alone or unworthy. Even if the people around you seem happy, always check up on them. You’d be surprised at what people are going through. That ‘strong’ friend, could be suffering from all sorts.

The second piece, is a dialogue from someone who has lost someone to suicide. It always feels like it’s too late, but your encouraging words can mean the world to someone.

Below are some links and sources to suicide helplines & also advice links.

Be blessed x

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/suicide-prevention-wait

https://www.nspa.org.uk

• Samaritans offer a 24-hours a day, 7 days a week support service. Call them FREE on 116 123. You can also email jo@samaritans.org

• Papyrus is a dedicated service for people up to the age of 35 who are worried about how they are feeling or anyone concerned about a young person. You can call the HOPElineUK number on 0800 068 4141, text 07786 209697 or email pat@papyrus-uk.org

• NHS Choices: 24-hour national helpline providing health advice and information. Call them free on 111. 

• C.A.L.M.: National helpline for men to talk about any troubles they are feeling. Call 0800 58 58 58.

• Support After Suicide Partnership offers practical and emotional support on their website for people bereaved and affected by suicide.

Archived thoughts

This was probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make at this point of time.. but it’s best for us I guess ? See, the more I hold on.. the more you hurt me. This control you have over me, it’s absurd it’s like I can’t get out. Whenever I try, it’s like I’m a prisoner in your prison.. except I’m the only prisoner suffering.

Letting you go, because I choose myself. I can’t afford to lose myself in someone else, I can’t afford to lose myself in you. So I’m letting you go, so we can grow.

I’m letting you go because I value myself, I love myself enough to know that this is not what I want and it’s certainly not what I need. I need the very best.. so I’m letting you go, so we can grow.

We may grow back into the lust blinded ‘love’ that we shared or we may grow apart.. from talking everyday, to not even a “hi”, “hello”.. “you okay?”

It may take a while for us to find ourselves again. But progress must be made, and that starts with walking away from each other. So I’m letting you go.. so YOU can grow.

Loving Me

Once a girl who yearned to be loved, but was making the wrong choices and searching in the wrong places. Constantly finding myself in deep puddles and at lowest moments. Was quite destroying to see the public affairs all indulged in what seemed like the perfect “love”. Took a while to finally realise that the perfect love that was craved for and needed can be found in God. His love showed me who I am and who he is calling me to be as a woman and as a virtuous vessel. This realisation deepened into uncovering self love within myself.

Sometimes we long to be loved, but little do we know we are searching in the wrong places. I order to be loved, we must first love ourselves; ENTIRELY. If we do not love ourselves, how could we expect others to love us ? Or how would we know what love is exactly ? We search high and low for this affectionate feeling of love, for a feeling of want and a feeling of security. But what we do not know is that this all comes from within. Once you accept your flaws, strengths and weaknesses, loving yourself becomes so much easier.

When you love yourself, NO ONE can ever bring you down, because you know what you have and who you are. You’ve acquired the ability to accept yourself and not one person can change that. So to all reading this, please love yourself first before going in search for ‘temporary affection’ disguised as “love”. Stop breaking your heart and being vulnerable to hurt, looking for love and comfort in people who do not see your worth and value.

Always remember, God loves you and his love is greater than all. In him we are delivered and our crushed spirits are saved. Gods love is steadfast, unchanging and comforts us in times of need.

Proverbs 18 vs 8: whoever gets sense loves his own soul, he who keeps understanding will discover good.

A x

2018

Hey guys!

I know I’m like a month late! But happy new year to each and everyone person who is reading this right now. I hope 2018 is treating us well so far, with many more blessings to come! I have been so busy with assignments and other priorities, that I’ve left so many unfinished pieces in my notepad. Well, I’m back now & I promise to be more consistent this year, as that is one of my New Year focuses for 2018 alongside many other factors.

My next blog post will be released on February 1st & the theme for majority of the month is Love & Self Love. I’ve got something special for the ladies in the first release, it is a mix of a new piece and an old piece I wrote. I would just like to express my gratitude for all the support thus far, it has been much appreciated & God bless you all! Please keep reading, sharing & supporting x

Love A x

Stagnant

I use the word stagnant because that’s the feeling felt at the time. Kind of lifeless, kind of still.. but still alive. You get me ?You know that point in your life where you don’t know what to do anymore, yeah I dropped there again. I thought I’d never come back here, but here I am again. After constantly telling myself I wouldn’t go down there again. I mean, I was doing so well and it’s a shame to see it all fall apart so close to the new year.

I’d be lying if I said I’ve tried to get back on track, because I haven’t. I’ve seemed to have lost my purpose.. confused on what to do next in every situation. I tend to ponder on the smallest things and turn it into a big situation. Struggling to juggle priorities; having to plan 100 things at once. I messed up. But I do know where I went wrong.

I didn’t involve you in what I needed to do, I said I would but I “forgot”. So I turned to your word and I remembered what I needed to do.

Proverbs 16:3 says; Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. This is my key verse for 2018!
God can provide us with perfect completion to our work that implies our plans, visions, responsibilities, business,education, family, etc. Committing your plans into the hands of God means you want God to be a part in your situations. The hand of God is mostly used to control things, and God will control whatever you entrust to his hands in the most perfect way.

I hope everyone who’s lost their way & is still looking for a purpose finds theirs in 2018. Forget about the past of 2017, we are moving on to bigger and better.

 

Silent weeper

Her cries for help are silent. Unheard and unheeded. She smiles ear to ear, but deep inside she’s broken. Shattered and in pieces. Everyone around her thinks she’s at her happiest, but no one ever asks if she’s okay. Like truly okay.

Things are not always what they seem, faces can hide as much as they reveal. Feelings are very much real, but people only see reality as things that can be seen or touched.

The pain is driving her insane but she keeps it in. Deep inside, so she may not cause another persons pain. No one sees through her mask, every smile is a scream inside and every laugh is a weep within.

At her worse when she’s all alone, in her thoughts and feelings in the darkness of her room.

She does not tell another, she thinks to herself why should she bother ? She suffers in silence, cause she sees it as the best way, after all it gets her through another day.

The Virtuous Nature of Patience

Stop trying to rush your way through life, it’s not a race. Your life is in your control, but you must learn to handle it with care, taking one step at a time. Stop comparing the progress of another to that of yourself.

Don’t come off the path that you have chosen just because it’s taking you a long time to get there. Stay in the lane that has been destined for you. Do not try and follow the actions of another because they’re in their own lane.

See one thing I’ve learnt growing up is that, no matter what, you cannot compare yourself to other people. You don’t know how a person got to where they are now; you don’t know the means they took to get to where they need to be. All you can do in this life, is put in 100% in everything you do. Go hard in everything, if you’re not going to put your all, then don’t do it at all. Then when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

 

Mistakes: The Learning Process

Many times in our lives, we make mistakes. These mistakes can be made in any area of our lives, whether it be school, work or relationships and also other aspects within our lives. However, the main problem is not the mistake itself, it’s the reaction to the mistake. Many of us turn to blame others around us rather than fixing the mistake or resolving the error. Rather than identifying the mistake and rectifying it, we are pointing fingers at those who have nothing to do with the personal mistakes we make in our lives! Stop seeking comfort in blaming others and take responsibility for your own actions.

Mistakes are bound to happen, they are inevitable. You just have to bounce back from them, and identify causes and the consequences in order to inhibit further errors. Do not let mistakes be your downfall, but rather an opportunity of educating yourself; learn from the error. In my opinion, I don’t believe there are mistakes in life, I feel like they are lessons and these lessons will not cease until learned. Life can be seen as a classroom, lecture hall or even a seminar room. We are all here to learn and grow and part of this process involves making errors whether they be big or small.

People are so afraid to make mistakes that they don’t even start something in the first place. This ‘perfectionism’ leads to procrastination because the work never gets done. When you first set out to do something, ALWAYS expect mistakes to happen along the way. No one is perfect.
The most significant and painful lessons that you may encounter are needed to help you become the person you need to be.
In case of failure:
– own it
– Attempt to fix it
– LET IT GO & MOVE ON

“If you have no regrets from the life you have lived, your biggest regret should be the life you haven’t lived.”―Robert Sauber